Medical Association
of Billers
Medical Humor
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like
he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but
for
this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his
breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half
hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here"
asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
Helen
ONLY IN AMERICA.....
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance?
Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless
junk in the garage.
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we
don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of eight?
Do we have drive-up ATMs with Braille lettering?
RIA
|
Self-Medicating Physician Sues Self AKRON,OH--Arguments were heard today in a downtown Akron district courtroom, with Dr. Joel Greenbaum contending that he practices medicine in a grossly negligent and incompetent fashion. |
| After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he
is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his
doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor
says to him, "This is all in your mind," and
refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy the asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is say '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says,
"123" and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife
turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?" |
The "History" of Medicine
"Doctor, I have an Earache."
2000 B.C.: "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C.: "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D.: "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D.: "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D.: "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D.: "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
A man carried his dog into the vet, he was very upset. He said, "Doctor I think my dog is dead!"
The doctor replied, "Put your dog on the table and let me see." He turned and left the room. A few minutes later he came back with a cat. He held the cat close to the dog, the cat sniffed the dog's back and ears and then walked all over the dog. The vet said, "Yes, your dog is dead." as he handed the man the bill.
"WHAT? $635 -- what is that for?" Yelled the man.
"Well, the $35 is for the office visit and the $600 is for the cat scan."
An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be President?"
A man went into his doctor's office and said - "Doc, I'm having problems sleeping. Last night I dreamt about a Tepee and the night before I dreamt about a Wigwam. The night before that I dreamt about a Tepee and the night before that I dreamt about a Wigwam."
The doctor replied, "Well, I can tell you this, you're too tense (tents)."
You know certain areas of the country have regional specific codes, for instance California has Valley Fever.
There is a new code added to the ICD for Florida - it is for Electile Dysfunction!
(Posted after the Bush election)
Holiday Psychiatric Humor
290.40 Dementia:
"I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas"
295.30 Paranoid Schizophrenia:
"Do You Hear What I Hear?"
300.14 Dissociate Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality):
"We Three Kings Disoriented Are"
301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
"Hark the Herald Angels Sing (about me)"
310.0 Paranoid Personality Disorder:
"Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me"
310.50 Histrionic Personality Disorder:
"You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why"
310.83 Borderline Personality:
"Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire"
301.4 Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:
"Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...."
V61.10 Partner Relational Problems:
"On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)"
308.3 Acute Stress Disorder:
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas (and the stores have already closed)"
307.47 Nightmare Disorder:
"The Children were nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of sugar plum monsters dancing in their heads."
296.42 Manic Episode:
"Deck the Halls, and walls, and house, and lawn, and dog, and streets, and stores, and office, and town."
305.00 Alcohol Abuse
"Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer"
A Sign outside of an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what you are looking for,
You've come to the right place!"
http://www.qfever.com/
For more great medical humor.Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn't work that way. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Sue replied. "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY DEAD
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "Never knew how much he was kneaded."
Who to call.... The Proctologist or The Ophthalmologist??
Sammy Dustin
A man with a glass eye had been out for a night on the town. Being the worst for wear, when he stumbled into bed, he dropped his glass eye into his drinking water on the bed table. During the night, he drank the water and swallowed the eye. A day or so later he was suffering from severe constipation, so he went to his local M.D. The doctor inserted his proctoscope and muttered under his breath, "Good grief, I've looked up plenty of rectums before, but this is the first one to ever look back at me."
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after and it changes your blood type.
Sammy Dustin
You know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when...
You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.
The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.
The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.
Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.
Your next five patients and their families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.
Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.
The intoxicated 250 Kg. transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet."
Your next patient has maggots but isn't dead.
The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.
The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.
The Department is completely empty and one of the off-going shift says, "It's been that way all night, hope you have a quiet day!"
No one remembered to buy coffee.
You have writers' cramp and still have 7 hours of the shift left.
The psychiatric patient who thinks he is Jesus was placed in the same room as another patient who thinks he is Satan.
You get a subpoena for a lawsuit a on a patient that walked out of the department against medical advice two years ago. You can only hope that is what the attorney wants to talk about.
The Hospital Administrator left you a cryptic message about a news crew showing up "sometime today to do a little filming, so everyone act natural."
In the middle of a disaster drill two real trauma patients present themselves.
The paramedics who offered to go out and pick up lunch (and coffee) just advised over the radio they have witnessed a motor vehicle accident involving a transit bus versus a minivan. "Stand by for update."
It's the first day for the new medical interns, paramedic and nursing students all at the same time.
The paramedics tell you the patient you just received with a closed head injury, flail chest, and positive belly tap is in "much better shape than the one still being cut out of the minivan."
You hear there is an influenza epidemic traveling like wild fire through the local convalescent homes.
The psychiatric patient's delusions are beginning to make sense.
Abductor pollicis brevis Brave policeman kidnapper
Adenoids Space creatures that are keeping Elvis alive on Pluto
Aerobe A garment worn around the house
Anally Occuring yearly
Anasthesia A Russian princess you studied in school
Anesthetist Stalker of bird houses
Ankle Opposite of aunty
Antacid Halucinagenic drugs used by little bugs
Anthrax Trail made by ants
Antibodies Things uncles are familiar with
Antibody Your aunty is Elle McPhearson
Artery Study of paintings
Asthma What you do if dad says no
Atrophy Prize for winning
Autoblast A car horn
Autopsy The hood of a car
Bacteria Back door to a cafeteria
Bandages Rock groups
Barium What doctors do when treatment fails
Benign What you are after you be eight
Bilateral Someone who speaks two languages
Bisexual A person who pays for sex
Blood Count Dracula
Botulism Making mistakes
Bowel A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
Bronchitis Dinosaur from the Plastasine Age
Bruise A six pack of beer
Buck Fever Incessant craving for dollar bills
Burger's Disease From eating in too many fast food joints
Cardiac Someone crazy about old cars
Cardioplasty Credit card
Carditis Addicted to poker
Caesarean Section A district in Rome
Carpal People who drive to work together
Catalyst A guy who works on a ranch
Cataract A whole lot nicer than a Chevrolet
Catarrh. Stringed instrument
Cathode Ray The amount Ray billed Cathy
Cat Scan Looking for kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Cavity Drinks from the menu
Cilia Their kids
Colic A sheep dog
Colostomy Can't find Collin
Coma A punctuation mark
Congenital Friendly
Conjunctivitis Prisoners littering their cells with trash
Cortisone The justice zone
Cystine Chapel with a painted ceiling
Cystogram A telegram to your sister
D&C Where Washington is
Delirium A large room with meat hanging from the ceiling
Denial Where Cleopatra swam
Dental Condition of a car after a wreck
Diarrhea Journal of daily events
Dilate To live long
Dropsy Inability to hold on to anything
Dyspareunie Don't worry
Electrode Amount due to the power company
Elixir What a dog does to his master
Enema Not a friend
Enteritis A penchant for burglary
ER The things you hear with
Eustachian Where you catch the U train
Fester Quicker
Fibula Small lie
Fibrillate Tell lies
Flatulate Fix a tire
Flocculation Admired by a group of birds
Fracture Part of a whole
Gall bladder An anti-Roman vessel
Gangreen Gang colors
Ganglia A bad part of LA
Gargles Quasimodo's friends
Gastric Something you can do with a bunsen burner
Genital Non-jewish
Genotype Kind of girl Gino dates
G.I. Series Soldier ball game
Gloss Very shiny
Grippe Suit case
Hangnail Coat hook
Head nurse Alka-seltzer
Hemorrhoid What you offer to a hitchiker
High Colonic Jewish religious holiday
Homogenous A brilliant gay
Homosexual One who has sex at home
Hormone A prostitute's cry
Humerus Funny bone
Hymen Opposite of high women
Hypodermic Big, fat zoo animal
ICU Peek-a-boo
Ileal conduit Leave for Con to do
Impotent Distinguished; well known
Ingrown Hair A rabbit raised indoors
Injection Opposite of rejection
Inpatient Anxious, fidgety
Intense Pain Torture in the teepee
Intern One after another
Isodense I ain't too smart
Kidney The joint between a child's hip and ankle
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Liver A person who lives on and on
Lumbar Wooden planks
Lymphocytes Where people with sore legs can walk
Mammary Something you remember
Mandible Cannibal food
Medical Staff Doctors cane
Megahertz Hurts real bad!
Melancholia A breed of dog that eats cantaloupe
Minor Operation Coal digging
Miscarriage Losing your shopping cart
Morbid Higher offer
Nitrate Cheaper than a day rate
Node Was aware of
Oral Mountain range in Russia
Organic Musical
Organ transplant Time to call the piano movers
Otomy My car not yours
Outpatient Person who has fainted
Pap smear Fatherhood test
Paradox Two doctors
Pasteurize Too far to see
Patella To caress one's female companion
Pathological The reasonable way to go
Pathology Study of roadmaps
Pedicure Prescription for Fido
Peduncle What baby did on uncle's lap
Pelvis Cousin of Elvis
Penis To pee in Venice
Pharmacy Cultivating the ocean floor
Phenobarbital Peanut butter balls
Phlebitis Why dogs scratch
Plaster cast Free beer backstage
Platelet A saucer
Pneumonia Inventive complaining
Postoperative Letter carrier
Prepuce Before it turned dark
Prolapse Nascar race track
Prostate Flat on your back
Protein Favoring young people
Rarefaction A number not commonly used in math
Recovery room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Dang near killed him!
Relapse Second time around the track
Resonance imaging A DaVinci painting
Retractor Second hand John Deere
Rheumatic Amorous
Rhinoplasty Charge card for the zoo
Scapula Burger flipper
Scar Rolled tobacco leaf
Sebum A surfer
Secretion Hiding something
Senile Viewing an Egyptian river
Serology Study of English knighthood
Seizure Roman emperor
Shock Ocean fish with sharp teeth
Speculum Uncle Lum's glasses
Sphincter An Egyptian statue
Sterile solution An option to the elevator
Supraclavicular Interstate traffic pile-up
Surgery A reason to get an uninterruptable power suply
Suture Someone who works for customs
Systole Your sister told on you
Tablet A small table
Talus Request an answer
Tension What the officer demands of his troops
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Testicles Books of the Bible
Tibia Country in North Africa
Tissue God bless you!
Toe To take away your car
Tolerance What you get after giving growth hormone to ants
Transexual Having sex while driving
Trapezius Circus high-wire act
Triple bypass Better than a quarterback sneak
Tubule Two oxes
Tumor More than one
Ulna Name of a girl from Norway
Urinate What a nurse says to patient in room eight
Urine Opposite of "You're Out"
Urogram Finally your son has a kid
Vagina People who live in the state of Virginia
Varicose Near by
Vas deferens Not at all similar
Vein Conceited
Vulva Swedish automobile
Waiting room Heavy space
Windpipe Aboriginal musical instrument
Wound Will not
10 Signs that you have a cheap HMO
Linda Bungard
10. Annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park"
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventative care is "an apple a day".
5. Your "primary care physicians" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of the out-of-network charges" and this is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your viagra pills come in different colors with little Ms on them.
And the #1 sign you've joined a CHEAP HMO -
1. You ask for viagra and you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
The Surgeon
A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the businessman a bill for $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs.
The doctor sent back a list with only two items.
One screw $1.00
Knowing where to put it $4999
Total $5000
The businessman never argued.
Is the jar full ?
One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students, and to drive home a point he used an illustration those students will never forget.
As he stood in front of the group of high powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit
inside, he asked, "Is the jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes."
Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he
dumped some gravel in and shook the jar, using pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him.
"Probably not," one of them answered.
"Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is the jar full?"
"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"
One eager student raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. What are the 'BIG ROCKS' in your life? Your children.... Your loved ones.... Your education.... Your dreams.... A worthy cause.... Teaching or mentoring others.... Doing things that you love.... Time for yourself.... Your health.... Your significant other.... Christ."
"Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. If you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you'll fill your life with little things to worry about that don't really matter, and you'll never have the real quality time you need to spend on the big, important stuff (the big rocks).
So, tonight or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life? Then, put them in your jar first."
We were on call late last night and we stopped by the nurses' station and one of the new nurses said that she followed the orders written on the patient's chart. The chart read for the nurse to give the patient sleeping pills. The nurse went to the patient and noticed that he was sleeping so she woke him up and gave him the sleeping pills.
Jong Lee
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?"
The woman said, "I put them into my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep much better at night."
~ Ode to a Mammogram ~
For years and years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests." So I heeded all their warnings, and protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, and I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of thoughtful care, my Doctor found a lump. So she ordered up a mammogram, to look inside that bump. "Stand up very close," she said, as she got my breast in line. "And, tell me when it hurts," she said as she stepped upon a switch. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My breast was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched from my belly button to underneath my chin. My poor breast was being squashed, to Swedish pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, my poor defenseless breasts!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding? With my chest mashed in her machine -- and woozy I am getting. "There, that was good," I heard her say as the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's have a go at the other one." "Lord have mercy," I was praying...
It squeezed me from up and down, it squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet she's never had this done. Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped, Ker-Pow !
This machine was designed by man, of this I have no doubt, I'd like to stick his "parts" in there. And see how they come out!
An elderly couple went to see the doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, no, we trust you."
After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75 and we can't afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that!"
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide,
is that considered a hostage situation?
Three Vampires walked into a bar. The bartender asked them what they'll have. The first vampire said "I'll have a pint of blood" The second vampire said "I'll have a pint of blood." The third vampire said "I'll have a half-pint of blood.
The bartender replied, "So that's two bloods and a blood-lite?"
Anneke
A veterinarian was felling ill and went to see his doctor. The doctor asked all the usual questions about symptoms, how long had they been occurring etc., when she was interrupted by the patient, "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, handed it to the patient and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you down."
A man working at a lumberyard was pushing a saw through a tree and accidentally sheared off all of his fingers. He rushed to the emergency room at a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor took one look and said, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I don't have them." replied the man.
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you don't have the fingers? This is the age of medical miracles. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! why didn't you bring the fingers?"
"Well heck doctor! I tried , but I couldn't pick 'em up." Replied the man.
The Top 12 Hidden Hospital Bill Charges
12> I.V. bottle deposit in OR, VT, and MA: $3
11> Bill preparation and printing: $30
10> Polysylabbic Obfuscation Redisintermediation: $275
9> Three-second smirk from George Clooney: $8000
8> Bedpan Refrigeration: $48.00
7> Unspecified Aroma: $83
6> Upgrade to hourly sponge baths: $197/day
5> Wheelchair Damage Collision Insurance: $39.25
4> Surgeon's Daughter's Preparatory School Tuition, Kaplan SAT Course, and DKNY Wardrobe Surcharge: $2500
3> Psychologist's fees for nursing staff after you put your gown on backwards and went "visiting": $400
2> Donation to the Fund to Rehire Mandy Patinkin: $3000and Topfive.com's Number 1 Hidden Hospital Bill Charge...
1> Lost forceps: $35.00
Knowing where the surgeon lost the forceps: Priceless
The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright 1999 by Chris White
A man went to his doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this Doc," he said. "When I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes, I start singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home" If I see a cat, then the song becomes "What's New, Pussy Cat?" It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, I sang "Delilah" and my wife was not amused!"
The doctor replied "I see. It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones Syndrome".
"I've never heard of that Doc, is it common?" asked the patient.
The Doctor replied, "It's Not Unusual.."
What is the difference between God and a Surgeon???
God knows he's not a Surgeon.
Anneke
An elderly woman enters the doctor's office. The doctor asks the woman how may he help her and she replies, "For the last two weeks I've had terrible gas but fortunately they are silent and do not smell." The doctor writes her prescription and asks the woman to return in one week. The following week the woman returns and exclaims to the doctor that the medication prescribed to her has caused her gas to smell awful. The doctor responds, "Now that we have cleared your sinus problems, lets see about getting you hearing aids."
Kitty
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hot Line.
 | If you are obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly. |
| If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. |
| If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. |
| If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. |
| If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. |
| If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. |
Anonymous
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man briskly walking down the street with a gorgeous young blonde on his arm. The doctor walked up to him and said, "Harry you're doing great, I'm proud of you."
The 92 year-old replied, "I'm just following your directions Doctor, get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
"No, I didn't say that!" said the Doctor "I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we
are the best of
friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for
you
to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and
then added, "Can I see
that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
There was a three car accident and everyone died. All three drivers got to the
Pearly
White Gates at the same time. Saint Peter said, "I want each of you to tell
me
what you did with your time on earth."
The first said, "I was a doctor with a large successful
practice." "Go on in."
Saint Peter replied.
The second declared, "I was a nurse..."
"Enough." Saint Peter said "You helped
people, go right in."
The third stood proudly and exclaimed, "I was an Administrator with a
Preferred
Provider Organization." Saint Peter being very wise replied, "You
may go in for three days."
It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
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